True Stories: Three Babies

I feel compelled to share with you all about my other babies. This will be brief, but I want to be another voice admitting to having had this experience. On the day we honor the memory of babies lost young or miscarried, I’m shocked by how common this is. It hurts my heart. Nearly all my friends have been touched by it.

The reason I want to talk about it is that when I went through it, I had absolutely no clue how common it was. No one had really told me about miscarrying their own babies, or talked about how often it happens in those early weeks. So here you are, I’m one person who has gone through this. Twice. Both of my losses were within the first trimester, but toward the end. When I lost them, I had no idea I had any right to grieve, because it had been such a short time. Only ten or so weeks along. That was crazy short, right?

But the truth is, that’s plenty.

Plenty of time for me to know their exact due date and to begin planning life around them. Plenty of time to pick out a boy and girl name–first and middle. Plenty of time to get seriously attached, yet never be able to meet them. And plenty of time to awaken the mother-part of my heart for the first time, and never let it shut down.

I thought if I told people, they’d think I was crazy for being upset, and that would multiply the hurt. After all, I hadn’t even given birth to them, much less gotten to know them. How could I miss them?

But they mattered so much to me as individuals, and as part of my family. I want them to know that. No amount of healthy babies will replace the ones lost, either. I didn’t recycle the names, and did not set them out of my mind. Please, please, please never let anyone minimize the grief of losing unborn babies, no matter how short their time here. I’ll share another time the story surrounding mine, and the evidence of God’s sovereignty, because it was absolutely huge in this story. But right now, I want my friends hurting from this type of loss to know how important–how precious–it is to be attached and to grieve for these babies, and to value them as individuals. God does.

Hugs to all of my friends who have experienced this. ❤

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5 thoughts on “True Stories: Three Babies

    • Thank you, Carolyn! You have a gift for walking people through things, I think. I cannot imagine losing a baby at four months. That’s just something a person doesn’t get over, but bless you for being there for her!

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  1. Joanna, the pain is real because the babies’ lives are real. Every life is precious and every dream, hope, and plan for those little lives died with them. Your grieving was necessary and right. Praising God that you will meet those little souls one day. With much love, marcia

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    • Oh isn’t that the truth? That’s what it took me a while to fully realize–the babies’ lives were quite real, and that’s why I grieved them. I don’t know why that didn’t make sense to me at the time, but I’m glad I allowed myself to miss them.

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      • Joanna, I will gently suggest that it didn’t make sense to you because we live in a culture that tells us that until they are born, babies are ‘not real’. Unfortunately your generation grew up hearing in school, on TV, in movies, etc., that these are not babies, they are clusters of cells, fetuses, blobs of tissue, or even ‘inconveniences’. Our vocabulary inadvertently teaches us that only when a child is wanted, hoped for and loved is the baby a ‘real child’. The truth is that every pregnancy carries a child with a hope for the future. The numbers of young women who experience your pain and remain silent must be overwhelming! Speak up, precious friend! Speak up for every hurting momma! And speak so loudly that the vocabulary of our culture changes! Perhaps that will be the legacy of your babies!

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